I have told my husband since we were 16 years old that I want to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). My mom stayed home with my siblings and I until I was a freshman in high school. She was able to bring my lunch to school when I forgot it, accompany my class to field trips, and always jumped at the chance to be room mom. This deeply impacted my childhood, and my heart has been set on doing the same for my kids.
I’ll preface this post by recognizing that not everyone has the opportunity to be a SAHM. I do realize I’m incredibly lucky that this is a possibility for me.
When I tell people I’m a SAHM, the typical reaction I receive is “How do you not lose your mind?” Every so often I get the “Wow, that’s the best job in the world.” I honestly resonate with both of these responses. There are several days where I do in fact, lose my mind. Being bossed around by two toddlers all day can be extremely depleting. On the other hand, I am grateful that I am able to spend this short period of my kids’ lives with them in its entirety. I don’t need to worry about missing any “firsts,” and I’ll have a direct influence on their upbringing.
One of the hardest parts about being a SAHM is the yearning to maintain your identity. Seeking any small moment throughout the day that is just yours to remind yourself you’re still you. I didn’t realize how much of your identity is attached to your life outside the home. This doesn’t have to solely be your career, but the people you see, the activities you do, even down to the coffee shop you frequent offers insight to you as an individual.
When you stay home, there are other expectations of you outside of raising your children. You also assume the role as “house manager.” Your primary role as a SAHM may include caring for your children, playing with them, teaching them, loving on them, feeding them, bathing them, etc… However, you are also the secretary, the chef, the housekeeper and even a therapist. It’s easy to see how you can lose yourself.
After two and a half years, I’m finally starting to feel like me again. Yes, the ‘me’ now looks pretty different, but at my core I’m the same. I even took up a couple new hobbies since becoming a mom like gardening and making sourdough bread (what’s another mouth to feed?). For any mamas on a similar path, I want to share what helped me. I hope you too can find something useful here.
Remember Your Passions
You must learn what works for you in order to create a sense of self outside your role as mom. For some people, it’s fitness, For others, it could be getting back in the kitchen, reading a book, traveling, gardening, etc… it’s important to make time for your hobbies and things you love. This is all what makes you, you! It’s how we maintain the part of us before motherhood. Of course, getting out of the house by yourself as a mom takes effort, working or not! Making sure someone is available to watch your kids is a task in itself. But, from experience, I always feel much better mentally once I’m actually out, and the effort is usually worth it.
Find Your Mama Tribe
Finding other SAHMs can seem intimidating. We always hear how hard it is to make friends as adults, but other moms are out there looking for the same thing. Once you have one or two mama friends, take the initiative and suggest a park play date. This has the opportunity to create friendships for your kids, but for yourself too. Plan this play date during the week when things start to feel mundane. Playdate at 10 am on a Tuesday? Sign me up! While your kiddos play, you and other mamas can chat, drink your coffee and feel like you’re hanging out like you would pre-kid. Or you can get really bold and take your boys to a sporting event! You only need two tickets if you can put the kiddos on your lap!
Say “Yes” To Help
Support is crucial when it feels as though everything falls on you. I used to dismiss any help that was offered to me because I thought I needed to “earn my stripes” as a mother. Looking back I realize how ridiculous that was, but I didn’t know any better. If you have the support, take it, whether a grandparent wants to babysit, or a friend asks to pick up lunch. Once I let up on needing to control every aspect of my kids’ lives, I felt so much lighter and wanted to kick myself for not accepting help earlier. But, hindsight is always 20/20 and I try not to be too hard on my new mom self.
Take Care Of Yourself
You may be used to taking care of others all day, but it’s important to fill your own cup too. Here are some of the ways I have been taking care of myself lately
- Waking up early to have some “me time.” I’ve been seeing memes lately about how our parents woke up so early to have coffee alone in the dark. I truly understand this now!
- Getting some movement in. This doesn’t have to be an intense workout – even a 15 minute Pilates video is enough to feel like I’ve taken care of myself.
- Putting effort into my appearance. Even though most of my outings are to Target or my kids’ activities, I try my best to put some thought into my appearance. A matching set or jeans and a tee are typically my go-to. Although I love a lazy day, I find that when I wear sweats and no bra, I don’t always feel my best.
All in all, being a stay-at-home mom is truly my dream job. Is it a dream all the time? Hell no. It may take more of an effort to remind myself that I’m still Kassie and not just mom, but being a mom is a big part of my life right now. I know it won’t always be like this, and even on the toughest of days, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I hope this helps you find clarity and confidence in your decision to either stay home, or not. Either way, nothing has to be permanent – You can always change your mind. Remember, you are more than just “mom,” even though moms are pretty amazing by themselves.
XO,
Kassie
